Taboo
I’m no stranger to fan fiction and even slash fiction, but after seeing the pairings in this article, even I winced. Lance Bass and the Weasley twins? Surely the Weasley Prankster need a firmer male hand to break them. Someone like Iggy Pop, who also happens to be a dead ringer for Filch, and would make for much better sparks!
With that in mind, here are three Labyrinth fan fic pairings which, to the best of my knowledge, remain untapped. Why?! These scenarios practically write themselves! (Were it not for certain disapproving glances, I’d write the first one right now!)
The Pairing: Jareth x Angela Chase
The Pitch: “Have you ever wanted something so badly, something you know you’ll never really have, that you’d rather wish it away than have to see it every day? I mean, really wish?”
The Plot: In a very special My So Called Life, Angela Chase, now a senior in high school preparing to leave for college, wishes that the Goblin King could make her forget about Jordan Catallano once and for all, only to have the one who grants her wish fall madly in love with her! When Angela is whisked off to the Castle Beyond the Goblin City, it’s up to Jordan Catallano to navigate the Labyrinth and rescue her, proving that he isn’t the slacker Angela’s suspects he’ll always be… Upon seeing the Labyrinth, Jordan declares that Angela’s not worth the trouble. In the highest tower of the castle, Jareth gives Angela what Jordan never got a chance to. Meanwhile, when a top restaurant Critic comes to Grant’s new restaurant, it’s up to lowly goblin chef Skub to help save the meal… and Grant’s marriage!
The Pairing: Sarah x Captain EO
The Pitch: Captain EO belts out the hits, hangs out with puppet pals, uses magic fueled by Industrial Light and Magic and is rumored to abduct small children. Of course Sarah would be strangely attracted to this mysterious and dangerous older man!
The Plot: Captain EO comes to the Labyrinth to try and cheer up Jareth. War breaks out and Sarah finds herself torn between these two charismatic …men? Bedazzled by EO’s powers of 3D, she joins him on an intergalactic journey of exploration and discovery. Much to her disappointment, EO has little interest in exploring Sarah, leading to much self-discovery on her part. That is, until she gets a taste of Hooter’s fingers work magic on more than just his techno-keyboard!
The Pairing: Toby x Falcor
The Pitch: We all know that Falcor “likes children”…
The Plot: Following the events of Return to Labyrinth volume 3, Teenage Toby finds himself in his darkest hour. Just when he’s about to give up hope, who should arrive but Falcor, the Luck Dragon! Taken in by the dragon’s cute looks, Toby leaves the Labyrinth to go join Falcor on a voyage of discovery and exploration. No, you perverts, not like that. They actually travel to magical lands and make many friends. But one day Falcor confesses that he has a terrible itch, and won’t Toby be so kind as to give it a good scratching, so the two head back to Falcor’s cave where Toby learns what it really means to “get lucky.”
24. September 2008 at 8:44 pm :
I was with you right up until the baby/bestiality thing. Consider the disapproving glances given!
p.s. I already know about the Jordi LaForge/Sarah Palin fic you write in your journal.
24. September 2008 at 8:55 pm :
You’ve been getting into Jareth’s peach wine again, haven’t you?
This is an intervention, Jake. You’ve got to lay off that stuff. You’ll lose what’s left of your mind.
Seriously, those last two pairings are just EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
EWWWWWWWWWWW!
EWWWWWWWWWW!
GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
I’d rather find out what drunken dwarf stumbled upon a goblin prostitute to create Hoggle.
Someone get those peaches AWAY from Jake!
GAAAAAAH! I just ate! EWWWWW!
The Sarah one is pretty gross but
That Falcor one… Just… NO!
And I thought I was bad for the Bob / Harry pairings in Dresden Files fan fiction.
A few weeks back I had a horrible experience on livejournal in regard to slash. I joined a group for Harry Dresden / Bob Slash fan fiction of The Dresden Files TV series. Harry Dresden being the wizard private investigator main character and Bob being the snarky ghost he lives with. Nothing really graphic, just stuff that implies that they were more than just friends (in the show they really are just friends). And I’d been lurking there for quite a while when I saw someone posted a fan fiction very similiar to one I had posted on another forum. I’m not easily offended by immitation or borrowed ideas. I’m pretty laid back about that. So I decided I might as well post my own story which was extremely similar and a few others. I followed all their rules and guide lines carefully (Something I admittedly tend to not do so this was a real effort for me). I posted seven short fictions that night. Next thing I knew I had a nasty, nasty E-mail from ‘the mods’ (They spoke as one like The Borg on Star Trek). And ‘they’ said that I was spamming the group so they were going to delete ALL of my fiction. When I replied telling them that I hadn’t realized there was a posting limit they said that there technically isn’t one but they also felt my fictions were not on theme. And it’s a one strike you’re out policy. ‘In twenty four hours we’ll decide your fate when we have cooler heads.’ They also told me to not try to turn them against each other and the deleting of my fictions was a ‘group effort’ of the mods. I was like: ‘Woah! When did I try to turn you against each other?’ Also considering that my fictions hadn’t been up long enough to have actually been read AND considering my stories were extremely similar to ones that I’d seen their regulars posted I realized there was definite favourtism going on.
I chose to leave rather than wait to find out my sentence for being a n00b. I went through extreme efforts to try to follow their rules, including learning the obnoxious cutting and HTML codes for livejournal (which I hate) only for fictions that took me days to write to be called spam and deleted within five minutes of being posted! I’m pretty well known in the Dresden Files TV show fan communities and I had NEVER, EVER been treated so poorly by any of them in my life. I was actually really hurt. Every Dresden fan I spoke to about it told me that they felt I had stumbled into a clique that probably felt threatened by my presence. I actually mentioned this in conversation on the comments for the cover art but there were so many comments on that one it got buried pretty fast. And look, my babbling actually stayed on topic this time! Well… sort of…
24. September 2008 at 8:59 pm :
‘The Plot: Following the events of Return to Labyrinth volume 3, Teenage Toby finds himself in his darkest hour. Just when he’s about to give up hope’
Oh, look, an end of Volume 3 spoiler thinly disguised as beastial sexual deviance.
…You play a furry on IMVU, don’t you?
24. September 2008 at 10:38 pm :
OMG! I about died laughing! Especially that last one…
I’d give you one of those disapproving looks, but the fact that I find the Toby/Falcor pairing so hilarious… well I guess that says a lot more about me than it does you, now doesn’t it?
“I’d rather find out what drunken dwarf stumbled upon a goblin prostitute to create Hoggle.”
LOL Mandy. Just LOL.
“I already know about the Jordi LaForge/Sarah Palin fic you write in your journal”
Now that, I’d be interested in, to say the very least.
Okay, I’m going to bed now. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll be thinking clearly again.
25. September 2008 at 2:16 am :
The Pitch: We all know that Falcor “likes children”…
My brain just started screaming and didn’t stop until… oh wait, it hasn’t stopped yet. Props to you for this post though. It seems like most writers just kind of plug their eyes and ears and go “LALALAnoitdoesn’texist” when it comes to fanfiction of their work and seeing someone with a sense of humor about it is refreshing.
25. September 2008 at 5:41 am :
Ack…. Those pairings… What are you smoking? I’m not sure whether to laugh or be offended.
Fanfaction is something you have to take with a grain of salt. It’s fun to read, but essentially they’re all the same. Some of the pairings can get….stranger than strange? Now that I think about it, the ones you listed probably wouldn’t be that odd compared to some I’ve read.
25. September 2008 at 5:48 am :
Anyone else see a striking resemblance between Toby and Falcor? Or maybe it’s just me…Something about the big dark eyes and goofy mouth…
I can’t help but be reminded of this one fancomic I saw, where Jareth viewed Toby are more than just his heir…Which probably would’ve given a slight spin to RtL (Bow chika wow wow). I guess if Jareth couldn’t have Sarah, he might as well try for Toby?
I found it amusing that you also read Cracked, it’s one of my favorite websites (Always good for a laugh). This particular article was one of the funniest though, because I can remember reading some fan fictions with godawful pairing and wondering why the hell anyone would think it would work.
I’m glad I got out of writing fan fiction, I was horrible at it, though I never did any crossovers! That counts for something right?
25. September 2008 at 5:53 am :
This is effing hilarious. Can one blame Toby for being curious? That Falcor … his monkey/man/dog face, the way his fuzzy ears flap and flutter when he flies, his long, lean reptilian body, his horseback-style rideability … I mean, he’s obviously irresistible. Even for the more stalwart of babies.
And, obviously, Angela would go for Jareth. Poor girl is desperate for attention, which dear Jareth would not deny her. He is very generous, after all.
But why would you do that to Sarah? Self exploration indeed!
I don’t think Elrond would “nuzzle” anyone, even the exquisite Captain Picard … who is undeniably nuzzleable.
And twincest is icky icky poo in my opinion but I suppose it’s psychoanalytically plausible. And Lance Bass seems up for anything. (I love puns! Even bad ones …)
And, wow, Mandy, you’ve got some serious geekdom dramz, chickie. Good luck with that!
25. September 2008 at 7:30 am :
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHA!
25. September 2008 at 8:26 am :
Yes, I am Queen of the Geeks! Bow before me, my poeple!
25. September 2008 at 8:41 am :
(Finally reading the article that prompted this mess) Oh, GOD! Methos, the world’s oldest immortal, and Dr. Frank!? I love them both but the Methos Fan Girl in me is giggling and squirming. I was ten when Highlander went in the air and thirteen when they introduced the character Methos and I loved him instantly.
Sad that most recently in the ‘Scifi Channel original movie’ (it really wasn’t but no one else would have it), Highlander 5 AKA Highlander: the Source, Methos gets chased off by cannibalistic motorcycle riding Ninjas… (In a very early rough cut they actually catch him and kill him). Yeah, it’s that bad. It makes this fan fiction look good…
That God-awful movie changed the meaning of ‘There can be only one.’ to mean only one child born of an immortal.
25. September 2008 at 8:47 am :
By the way, the Highlander fan girl in me wishes I could reply to this article because they talk about Methos being straight. Fact is, he wasn’t. In the old The Watcher Chronicles CDROM they used to sell from the Highlander catalog it mentions Methos’ relationship with Lord Byron as being more than just friends. Methos swang both ways. He’s 5,000 years old. He pre-dates sexual conformity. And there were subtle hints of other attractions and or relationships to the same sex within the Highlander TV series. Of course that didn’t stop Methos from falling in love with Alexa, the dying mortal waitress and… I’ll shut up now…
25. September 2008 at 9:42 am :
Pairings I always found disturbing in fan fiction were…
Envy and Edward in Full Metal Alchemist. You would understand why this is so weird if you read or watched Full Metal alchemist. I don’t want to give away a big spoiler.
Thomas Raith and Harry Dresden of The Dresden Files novels by Jim Butcher. Yet again, the weirdness is comperable to Envy and Edward.
25. September 2008 at 9:43 am :
Of course I know Jake already knows the Full Metal alchemist spoiler I’m talking about.
25. September 2008 at 12:23 pm :
Ever read any fan-fic that promotes Jareth hooking up with the junk-lady? It’s out there and very strange.
25. September 2008 at 1:39 pm :
I’ve actually seen a FEW (as in more than one or tow) that claim Jareth and Hoggle are… close. Very close.
(Shudder).
25. September 2008 at 4:57 pm :
Agreement, but I think that the Hoggle and Jareth pairing is less disturbing than the Ludo and Jareth. At least Hoggle is humanoid. Honestly, I wonder what sort of mental state you’d have to be in in order to come up with that pairing and actually be serious about it. Also stories about Jareth having goblin harems…can we say “eeeewwwww”?
I read a fairly good crossover that paired Sarah with Dr. Who. Jareth made an excellent jealous villain in that one and it actually made sense in a weird way.
25. September 2008 at 5:27 pm :
Well, in the Doctor Who universe faeries are real and Jack Harkness doesn’t like them because they take children to turn them into beings like themselves (Torcwhood episode - Small worlds, episode 5 of Series 1 of Torchwood).
Now as for Labyrinth slash, the most popular sexual Labyrinth story is one written in the late nineties called The Package. Based on a passage from Goblins of Labyrinth and the reprinting, The Goblin Companion: A field guid to Goblins, the notion came about that Jareth’s masculine reproductive organ was possibly detachable. IF this is true it’s true only for specific goblins of the basic goblin lineage. It certainly wouldn’t be true for a fae sorcerer like Jareth.
The fan fiction had IT go on adventures without Jareth…
25. September 2008 at 7:04 pm :
Wow, poor Jareth…I mean, some people consider IT to be the star of Labyrinth and not him…
I can’t imagine Jareth would be too pleased to discover one morning that his pants feel strangely loose…
…Nor would Jareths’ legion of fans for that matter
25. September 2008 at 8:49 pm :
Wow, I have to stop coming on here so late at night. Sleep depravation does horrible things to the already dirty mind.
I gotta say, I’d still stick with Jareth if IT decided to run away sometime. At least for a while…
28. September 2008 at 2:15 pm :
Seeing Jareth wears less tight clothing in the manga, I don’t think anyone will physically notice ITs absence. It may cause him to be less maucho though… In that case I’m sure everyone would notice.
7. October 2008 at 7:18 pm :
Confirmation that Methos was never meant to be thought of as straight.