Hello, friends! It is me — Skub! Thank you, Mr. Jake, for letting me use your blog. I will try not to make it stinky. King Toby has told Skub many stories about humen holly-days. We Goblins have holly-days too! Holly-days are fun! There is Grand Toothing Day, where every goblin boy and girl takes a spikey yawbroke bat and tries to knock out the teeth of other children. The best part is, they get to keep any teeth they collect! Then there is Fast Fist Fest in which for two glorious minutes, we goblins are allowed to punch as anyone we want, as hard as we want! Actually… Goblin Holly-days are not very fun at all. Except for the Saint Glottin’s Day Feast!

Saint Glottin’s Day celebrates the life and death of Glottin, the greatest goblin eater to ever live! On the day of his great gorging, Glottin cleaned out every goblin pantry with his gobbling. Then, when he was out of proper food, he created a great deep fryer in the castle moat, and started dipping furniture, weapons and tasty looking neighbors into batter before frying them to a crisp! Glottin’s great gorging went on for 83 hours, at which point, he choked on an umbrella and died. In celebration of Glottin’s amazing run, there was much rejoicing, but then the joy turned to tears once everyone realized that there was no more food, and thus begun the Hundred Winter Famine.

Now we goblins have learned to live by Glottin’s example that when food is plenty, we eat our brother’s portion before he can, and when food is scarce, we eat our brother. So lived and died St. Glottin, and so do we.

And now, a recipe for humens! In the Labyrinth, there is a creature called the Sloggroat. It is very big and very smart. It is so smart, that it’s brain fills its entire head! (Goblin brains sort of roll about the head, like a marble, and sometimes fall out.) Some goblins say that Sloggroats are a noble race, with a culture to rival the greatest humen civilizations! All Skub knows is that Sloggroat brains are delicious! They are so chewy and purple! Skub made Sloggroat Brains for Toby, and Toby said “I know this dish! It’s Collie-flower!” Of course I was hurt at having my delicious dish compared to any kind of flower, but even though Toby is brave and smart, he does not always know about goblin feelings. Anyway, if you want to have a taste of Goblin gourmet cooking, then here is a recipe for you!

Roasted Sloggroat Brains (with garlicks)

1. Pre-heat oven to 400*
2. Extract Brain from 1 Sloggroat Head*
3. Chop Brain into yummy pieces
4. Smash 6 garlick cloves and chop finely
5. Mix up brain chunks and garlicks with 3 tabulspoons of EVOO** and sprinkle with salt
6. Spread on a cookie sheet covered with foil
7. Roast for 1 hour, stirring bits every 15 minutes for even browning and coverage
8. Eat!

*If Sloggroth Heads are unavailable at your local market, use a purple cauliflower head (which is not actually a head, because it does not have eyes or a mouth).

** EVOO is “evil” said with a warlock’s lisp. This is a spell which invokes a Grease Golem who will proceed to slime your dish with oil. If you are incapable of summoning evil beings, instead substitute olive oil.

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