A gem on craigslist today. I dont’ know what’s scarier — that I understand most of what this guy is writing, or that the lurid prose gives me a half-elven half-chub.*
So first date.
I’d be in red robes when you showed up.
They’ll be black after I’m done with you.
A dark room. The scent of black roses and sulphur.
The door opens.
Crysania.
White flowing robes. You burn my eyes.
“Ast tasark simiralan krynawi!!”
Small effervescent bolts shoot from my finger tips and ignite the fireplace.
You climb over the bed as if to pounce. A woman of your faith shouldn’t be attracted to men like me. I know what you want.
The Staff of Magius.
Not yet. I have a few more spells those Qualinesti elf bitches showed me.
I flip you over on your back and kiss you hard. You taste of Otik’s spiced potatoes. You scratch down my gold skin and feel my frail ribs. You look deep into my hourglass pupils and run a hand through my white hair.
”If you’re going to be God someday – you have to know how to handle the people who bow before you. I bow before you. Rule me.”
I smile.
It’s crooked.
I show you the cataclysm.
I make you call me Par-Salian.
I fill you with the essence of Fistadantilus.
And when we’re done.
Dalamar brings us a joint, we put on some Dimmu Borgir and read the Legend of Huma together.
I’ll even share my bitter tea with you.
And you can fall asleep to my racking cough shrill shrieks of the night.
Oh.
And Caramon can’t watch.
Bupu can.
*Just kidding. No, really. Not arroused by sickly wizards!
** Actually, the title should be Single Gold Wizard, huh?
