Gobblin.net

I’m no stranger to fan fiction and even slash fiction, but after seeing the pairings in this article, even I winced. Lance Bass and the Weasley twins? Surely the Weasley Prankster need a firmer male hand to break them. Someone like Iggy Pop, who also happens to be a dead ringer for Filch, and would make for much better sparks!

With that in mind, here are three Labyrinth fan fic pairings which, to the best of my knowledge, remain untapped. Why?! These scenarios practically write themselves! (Were it not for certain disapproving glances, I’d write the first one right now!)

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Just got home from work to find this in my inbox. I honestly don’t know what to say…

Los Angeles, CA – April 1, 2008

Lucasfilm Ltd. and the Jim Henson Company announced today that they will be reteaming for a return to the Labyrinth. The seminal film, a collaboration between visionaries Jim Henson, George Lucas and David Bowie, will be receiving a “Special Edition” updating in 2009.

“When Jim first told me about the Labyrinth, he described a world filled with strange creatures and fabulous settings. At the time, the best we could do to bring the Labyrinth to life was use puppets and prosthetics,” Producer George Lucas explained. “Now, thanks to breakthroughs in computer technology, we can remove the crude puppet goblins and replace them with lifelike digital creations. Finally we can bring audiences Jim’s vision as he always meant for it to be experienced.”

In addition to new and improved creature effects, viewers of Labyrinth: Special Edition can also look forward to an “enhanced” star. “When we first cast Jenny for the role,” Lucas said, in reference to star Jennifer Connelly, “no one had any idea how hot she would grow up to be.” Connelly, just 14 at the time of filming, has gone one to inspire countless “fan fics” with explicit content that many would find unethical. Using footage from 1991’s The Rocketeer, the digital artists at ILM will ensure that the new Sarah is squarely within the age of consent. “We’ve used CGI to digitally age characters before, but never anything as subtle as turning a 14 year old into an 18-year-old,” Lucas added. “This is groundbreaking stuff.”

Lucas is quick to reassure fans who are worried about a “softening” of the film’s more taboo appeal. “Let’s just say that there’s a ‘Darth Vader’ revelation about Jareth and Sarah that will change the way you view these characters,” Lucas said. “And I’m not talking about Midichlorians.”

Not even Jareth, the “Goblin King” played by pop superstar David Bowie, will remain untouched. Michael Moschen’s contact juggling techniques, which Lucas describes as “cheesy at best,” will be replaced with digital conjuring effects. Said Lucas, “It’s what Jim would have wanted.”